The Splattering

A dark sprout, creeping up, twisting and turning without sense or direction. A bulb rooted deep in vulnerability and anxiety, in the fear of failing. A white wall, full of peace, pure and serene. Tranquil and calm. All of the sudden, a tendril of drarkness creeps in, growing into an engulfing inferno, a web, of wet darkness pushed so deep down that is it really even there? Like a cancer; twisting, turnining, multiplying until through fear it takes control. Till the white wall is so stained, so tainted, so lost, that its ehtereal esscence is lost, gone , maybe even destroyed. So, we paint. We splatter, we coat, we hide, we try to cover it up to pretend like those fears are not eating at our sanity. Slowly ebbing away our peace of mind. But when you shine a light, when you are really looking, not ignoring but trying to find the darkness. The dark splatters shine throuh the inopaque shroud,  futile. We hide behind, pretending  everything is okay. That we are fine. We do this over and over until the wall is so thick, so ruined. So faded and peeling that it is peeling that it is beyong repair, we do not even recognize it anymore. An unfamilier friend. A literal faded memory of our past, of the “good ol’ days”. Thinking if we let go, just stop worrying for one second, one tiny moment of peace, the darkness will come back . So we keep pushing, keep going, keep worrying and watching our backs. We are too vulnerable, too weak to fight the monsyer that is ourselves.

An Everlasting Impact

Sometimes, all it takes is one person or one place to make an everlasting impact. That one moment or meeting that can be pivotal or change your mindset completely. For me, Midwest Food bank and their welcoming staff further ignited my passion for volunteering. The expansive warehouse with food stacked from the floor to ceiling changed me. The idea that this large amount food was needed just to feed a small amount of the Midwest area floored me. I had always grown up a community where my friends and the people I knew had never gone through something like this. Honestly, I was ignorant. I knew there was a problem, but I had not realized there was such a need present in my community. On my first day there after a morning of volunteering, they offered me lunch. The bowl of vegetable soup that was placed before me shocked me; I was practically a stranger to them, and they were offering me their food. As I sat down at one of their many wooden lunch tables, I looked to the wall, and it all suddenly made sense. The bible verse Matthew 25:35 was scrolled out artfully on the wall: “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me”. I knew right then and there I had found somewhere I belonged, a communiy, a home. The food bank was not just a place or a business for people; it was a community. My first experience volunteering there was over a year ago, and I think about it every time I volunteer there today.

To me, volunteering is not an obligation – it gives me a sense of purpose. I volunteer because I feel I am doing a service to society. I feel it is my responsibility to give back. The reward and the fulfillment of knowing I am helping put food on someone’s table is worth it. Working at the food bank makes me feel like I am making an impact on my community, on the world, one pallet of food at a time. I pattern my life by trying to serve the community I am a part of now and in the future.

While I may learn how to manage money or learn other financial concepts as a business major, it all means nothing if I cannot use that knowledge and the money I earn to serve and help others. The things I will learn through my continuing education and through my future career will allow me to change lives. My learning comes with a responsibility to use my education to serve others.
I once had a speaker tell me that true servant-hearted volunteering is giving up what you need, like when the bowl of vegetable soup was placed before me. Midwest Food Bank gave me food when their whole purpose is to collect food for those who cannot provide it for themselves, and that made all the difference.

-JG

Trials of Tough Times

I strongly believe in the band Bon Jovi, not just because they are my favorite band that I have idolized since my youth, but also for what they stand for. Even though they may have “gone downhill” in some critic’s eyes, their music tells tales of hope and faith even in the hardest tests of time. While these songs were written in the 80’s, in a different time, a different place, their meanings and inspiring words of hope are applicable to every time period every place during almost any circumstance. Songs like “These Days” or “Keep The Faith” or even “Livin On A Prayer” inspire people to keep moving forward even when everything is failing you. They tell tales of the harsh realities of life as a story protesting the failure within giving up.

When I was younger my mother and I used to sit in our living room watching the Bon Jovi “Crush Live In Concert” VHS tape over and over again. Sometimes we would paint our toenails, other times we would rock out and dance and sing along. This started my life long long love of Jon Bon Jovi. I had Bon Jovi shirts, hats, posters, even dog tags that i would wear around. When I first learned to play the guitar the first song I  learned was “Wanted Dead or Alive”. Most importantly, it developed a bond between my mother and I.

Even when my father lost his job and things looked down, I could always count on the words of “Livin On A Prayer” to lift my spirits: “we got each other and that’s a lot for love” or “we’ll make it I swear”. We would jam out in our car or in our living room and I knew in that moment that everything would be okay. That moment of relief and just forgetting about everything that is going on for just a few minutes of the day is priceless. I still value this and jam out even to this day, usually it is in my car with all my windows down :).

I believe that Bon Jovi, even in the band’s current situation, with their older age, their record label drop, and their guitar player’s absence, is an inspiration. If not for their achievements but also their perseverance. Even the lead singer, John Bon Jovi in one of his later songs “God Bless This Mess” sings the words “My voice is shot I’m going grey”. Rather than shying away from the realities of old age or trying to be something they are not, the youthful young rock band, the group addresses these realities with a blunt honesty. They may not be the same as they were 30years ago and that’s okay. They still have hope and faith that things can only get better from here. Their latest album “This House is Not For Sale” is full of tracks that embody this mentality. Their experiences and their music shine like a beacon to others who are struggling, whatever their circumstances may be. It pushes them to keep the faith and to just keep on moving forward.

No Boundaries? No Problem.

What would you do if you had no boundaries, no limits, no execuses, just freedom? What if there was no limit of time or money, you could do anything you want? What would you do? And more importantly, what does that say about you?

For some, they would travel the word with a sense of wanderlust, for others, they would spend time with family. However, while all this seems nice, I honestly think I would go insane. I don’t know about you, but for me I thrive when I am working on something I am passionate about. I need a purpose.

No amount of clothes or money or materialistic things can fill this hole, this thirst to do good to make an impact to change the world. When people ask me what I want to do with my life I tell the the truth; I want to change the world. This may seem a bit austentaitous, but it’s the truth. I can go anywhere to get a degree or live my life, but it all means nothing if I cannot use my knowledge and the money I earn to serve and help others. My learning comes with a responsibility to use my education, my life to serve others.

For me, I would devote my life to combatting poverty. This could mean actually collecting food or helping those in poverty get back on their feet. With this, I would hope to spread my faith and inspire others along the way. I have always held my education highly, without college, there would be no need for me to focus on an “ideal career”. I think my passion for business serves as a conveyance to serve others. That the education and. money I would make would go towards helping others. Without school or financial boundaries I could do this. In a later blog post, I will explain my passion and the personal meaning behind it.

-JG

The Serenity in Silence

The silence is what I remember most about my car rides with my grandfather. Not that awkward silence that made you uncomfortable, but the kind where the two parties have an understanding. One where, just being around each other was enough, memories were being made, but conversation wasn’t needed.

Usually these rides took place in the morning, we were both early birds, when we headed to get doughnuts from the small town donut shop. He was always patient, letting me pick out which doughnuts I wanted, always pink with sprinkles of course.

Moments like these are when I remember being truly happy. During those car rides, I could let go. They were a break from the hectic bustle of society. I truly embraced them as I grew older and life got busier. I could let go of my thoughts, my stresses, my reality for just ten minutes of the day.

Watching the countryside role by, I was left alone to my thoughts. Not the thoughts that remind you of ll your fears and anxities, but those that allow you to reflect. Those moments with him are when I truly feel at home.

-JG

UN-Defining Circumstances

When I was born at 2lbs, I was called many things fragile, unpredictable, short-lived. Honestly, doctors didn’t think I would make it. With family and one amazing nurse in my corner, I survived.

I was no longer seen as fragile. What I was called faded as I became a survivor, a fighter, strong, stubborn, and determined. I refused to let this experience, my circumstances define me. Rather, I used it as a conveyance to become who I truly am. It was always a part of my story, but never the whole book. The people I met, the life-long connections I made through this experience are invaluable. While still a child, my nurse Cindy became not only someone in my corner but a role model for me. The passion she has for helping others is something I admire and I try to pattern my life in the same way. She took a personal investment in me and became a life long family friend. I try to make a personal investment in the lives I touch through my volunteering, giving 110% to any and every task I take on. To me, this experience itself does not define me. Instead, I  used it to better myself, to become who I believe I  truly am, the best, the authentic version of myself. I could have died, I could have had mental disabilities, or I could have survived and risen above expectations; and that is just what I did.

Shame and Vulterability- A Dangerous Cycle.

“Vulnerability is the birth place of innovation, creativity, and change”-Brenne Brown

Failure is inevitable, it is natural. How do we know success if we have never experienced failure. It makes success so much more worth it, so much sweeter. Life is about daring yourself to put yourself out there, to be vulnerable, to welcome failure. It can teach us so much. We are our biggest critics, waiting for ourselves to fail, to experience shame. We hold ourselves to the standard we expect of others. When they fail, we feel like they have let us down. When we fail, we hate ourselves for it. The truth is these expectations are unrealistic products of society. This extends to gender as well. Because of society, we expect men to be strong, to bottle things up. For women, we expect them to be able to do everything. It is inhumane. It prevents us from truly connecting and ultimately is making is less empathetic. We form these expectations because it is all we have known for generations. It is a dangerous cycle. In order to connect we need to let down our guards, our expectations, and embrace the possibility of failure. Ultimately we need to be vulnerable. We need to be ourselves and allow ourselves to connect, to be humane, and to face shame. We all feel it. It is human and it is ok. We all have it, we just need to know how to overcome it. When we do this, we can work in regaining this empathy and ultimately pass this on, rather than contributing to an non-empathetic society. We can regain our humanity. We can stop feeling the need to commit inhuman acts against each other. The lines of race, gender, ethnicity, religion, age and many more have driven wedges between us. Words that are supposed to connect us to help us to relate to one another have now been used to divide us. Let us get back to connection, back to humanity. If not for yourself or for others, but for your children, grandchildren, and loved ones.

-JG

Scars

Scars, a reminder

of who we are

where we’ve been

some small

some big

some faded

barely noticable at all…

marks

left behind

from different times

some good

some bad

all reflect memories

one has had

we may forget the moment…

but we will always remember the feeling

they show who we are

survivors

fighters

humans

all with our own scars

our own stories

our own lives
-JG

Oceans.

The thing I love most about the ocean is that each day it erases. Every time the tide comes in, it creates something beautiful. I like to think this is God, producing a masterpiece for us to admire each day, only for a day though, before the tide and the wind washes it all away like a blank cavas, refreshed. This makes me think to the way God erases it all, renews us, washes our sin, allowing us to be something beautiful. Each wave that rolls in and draws backs out, like a voice calling it home, brings new treausures, these literally being new shells. But figurately each new day brings a new opportunity or experience, a kalediscope of choices and opportunities all at our fingertips.

Sometimes the most beautiful things are not meant to last forever, they are beautiful because of their fleeting esscence. I have learned this greatly throughout the past year or so, as people, things come in and out of our life. I think this contributes to the idea that taking things for granted is wasteful, hurtful even. Enjoy what you have when you have it. I am already dreading the days when I have to part with my family and leave for college. Never again will I live in the same house as my sister or parents [hopefully 🙂 ]. While this is exciting, I know it is somber. I am going to miss our family grocery shopping, which I currently dread, or our evenings where we all sit around and watch Jeopardy. While this may seem embarassing or even silly now, I know I will miss this.

While this new path, new shorline I am about to take on is exciting, it is also new and unfamiliar and once I start down this road, I can never turn back. This just adds to the idea that beauty, love, happiness is fleeting. It’s never perfect, it isn’t supposed to be. If it was, then we wouldn’t appreciate its beauty as much.

In the cold dark of night the waves beat at the shore, creating its next unknown masterpiece. Each day the shorline is different, like how no snowflake is alike. Each day is a chance for something new, something beautiful. That being said the waves will beat the shore and there will be struggles. It will hurt, thats how you know you are alive. How do you know love if you have never felt hate. How do you know good if you have never seen bad.

Be open to change, you’ll never know what it could bring. Nothing is permenant, nothing is forever. Nor good nor bad, it will pass. It is all about perspective. So I say, let the tide roll in, let the waves crash onto the shore, bring it on.

-JG

Stranger

I didn’t blame her.

Her death left me all alone

a stranger among strange people.

I tried to conceal my unhappiness

I were a puzzle;

a hidden door,

the way into the heart,

-JG